


The Black Swan.

by Henna_Star00



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark Friendship, Civil War Fix-It, Extremis (Marvel), Extremis Pepper Potts, Extremis Tony Stark, F/M, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, Innocent James "Bucky" Barnes, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, My First Fanfic, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Bucky Barnes, Sick Character, Soft Peter Parker, Team as Family, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Henna_Star00/pseuds/Henna_Star00
Summary: Tony stark has a problem.he has a deadly problem, a complicated little problem specific to his own brain glial cells.This problem leads to only one solution— and he isn't gonna like it.AKA— Tony is dying. Again.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team, Tony Stark & Stark Robots
Comments: 21
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First— English is not my mother language, so have mercy on me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note// 
> 
> In this story aunt May didn't know about Peter being Spider-Man from Peter((( 'the last scene of spider-Man homecoming))) she knew all along because of Tony— Peter still think he is a sneaky smol BAMF little spider. 
> 
> The plot works that way, for extra angst and father-son fluff and love.

Tony Stark has a problem.

He was standing on the roof— a two empty cups of coffee at his left showing that he was 'yet, trying to keep his focus, his mind was racing and his tiredness was too much that he couldn't stand for a whole 10 minutes without feeling like kneeling over, He can't think clearly, and the headaches are getting worse, he can't sleep now that the result of his x-rays was on his tablet screen.

So yeah— he has a deadly problem, a complicated little problem specific to his own brain glial cells up to his white cells.

God, he is itching for a glass of scotch, or a couple or beers— something to ease his maddening thoughts.

He really needed a drink, but he couldn't do that. 

Those last couple of months were never simple for Tony, with saving the world and keeping his company working and helping pepper it was never an easy job, but he was okay with it— he is used to be a workaholic, two hours of sleep and a dozen cup of coffees would do the trick, it's kinda came with the stark description, and helping the spider-baby to not getting hurt under his watch again was not a healthy way to take his mind of things, ethier— how his mother and Jarvis 'the real Jarvis' kept him in check all the time when he was that age was still a mystery to him.

And on top of all of that, the former avengers, captain America's merry band has been pardoned, not without consequences.

it took a hard work with Matt Murdock, the clever lawer and his other divel-ish half to cast a real trail putting Ross where he really belongs— it was easy to be desposed from his position as the secretary of the state. What he did during the so called CIVIL WAR made the media explode beside the airport fight and the collapsed tunnel. He was using the Avengers to his own power and authority, blocked most of them out of his way to control them as if they were some sheeps to slaughtered one by one just for him to satisfied his unti-hero conscience, with the help of Everett Ross it all became out of hiding, and the US government acted as such.

But, Ross wouldn't stop from fighting like a scared little animal now, he needed to be put down, where he really belongs.

So it really did not take that long to get a good evidence of what he used to do under all those thick concrete walls of the government, torturing and illegal Experiments on every enhanced person he got his hands on— with the help of his daughter of course— ms. Betty.

Then everything was fine, just for the first five months of public silence.

Until people kept asking what would happen to the world with only 3 Avengers left— when it start showing how worn out he looked and the reports kept tracking his every step on the way. Every event– every gala.

" ** _How could Iron man alone fight without his fellow heroes and teammates now that most of them are terrorists? —_**

**_What would happen if another Alien infestation with only one superhero remains?—_ **

**_The public worries that Tony Stark can not defend earth alone—_ **

And it's keep going and going and going without a stop.

Tony stark with no god,  
Unlike most people think of him as a unbreakable tin can— under all that metal and sarcasm he was just a man.

A very tired, very much alone man.

Iron man was a powerful force— but against the whole evil in the world he was just a hopeless man— and adding his fears and paranoid Mind of another alien attack, it was too much to take all at once.

It's been ten months, almost a year— of coming to an empty place and empty building with Hollow love of what remains from those who were previously a family and friends and teammates.

What remains now is just a broken trust and anger and longing and so much pain of betrayal that woke him up some last night with a broken suit and a choking cry—

What remains now—is Vision, one of his brilliant creation was out of town, only emergency calls and battles allowed, he's in a journey searching for what humanity means to him after what happened with wanda, but Tony knows that vision was meeting her— mending what left of them once again, having his answers and believes.

And Tony just want him to be happy so he let him with his own judgment.

What remains now —is best friend, Rhodey was paralyzed from the waist down, the military was out for the time being till he takes control of his new condition. And with the guilt of what he caused to his friend. he couldn't ask him to keep being a hero while he is struggling to be a whole man all over again, so he builds and builds and build to fix what's broken.

He builds a braces legs and wheelchairs and even prosthetics for those who needs to be whole.

But that didn't make him feel better everytime he hears Rhodey silent cries alone when he think no one is looking or hearing, or see him look at the walking people with so much sadness and envy and longing and want— it didn't make him feel better.

And there was spider-man who reminds him of his own recklessness when he was at that age, Peter is such a mass of Enthusiastic and excitement with a big heart and too much kindness in this unworthy world, and he tries— really tries to make him a better hero than he will ever be, to not let the boy down. The feeling of disappointment by your own hero— isn't something he wants for Peter to feel.

And with that? That exactly what was remains of the so called Avengers— two broken people with a child in between.

So bringing the outlawed and ex-Avengers back was not really his choice at all, and he can't say that he missed them so much at the same time he can't even bring himself to look on their faces.

But earth needs her superheroes back. He knows that excuse can't erase all their mistakes, there will be consequences— most of them was under house arrest for almost whole year, some of them even lost his respectable title in the military and the air forces— signing the modified Accords was a Priority for the people they are gonna take care of, so there is a sign-or-resign situation once again.

He really hopes that they will sign.

But who was he kidding? They will never be fully satisfied of having a limited power over the government or the people even after all his hard work to make the Accords a shield to protect not a weapon or a prison.

so hiding in his lab and ignoring the deadline of their Arrival and avoiding them at all costs was the best way to fix his anxiety temporarily.

But this problem? This problem in his hand he can not ignore or avoid by hiding in his lab, and he can't fix it by drink a hard liquor or improve his suits and Rhodey's braces legs— or built shit and blow it up.

This problem leads to only one solution— and he isn't gonna like it.

"Fri, baby girl– be a dear and take an appointment with Dr. Helen cho."

" _Right away, boss_." His young AI answered from his tablet not taking any time at all.

He kept looking at his own brain X-rays. Can't figure out if he should start crying or laughing all at once– his life is such a joke.

A cruel bad joke. It was a very cruel way of Destiny telling him how weak and pathetic he is– a brain tumor.

He has his knowledge of how wrong this statement should be. How very natural the Disease is.

How in deep shit he really and truly is. 

There is a chance that he is dying— again.

Well, shit.

Fuck Howard for bringing him to this mess that called life.

*^*^*^*^*

He was waiting again— like so much waiting for one day to be honest, and he can't do anything beside drinking coffee, pore over with his eyes her clinic.

He knows, Dr. Cho is a very busy doctor and she helps alot of people including himself, but right now? He can't just sit on this stupid leather chair without thinking of 'what it's.

He doesn't want to open this can of worms, doesn't want to go into this so stupid dark dramatic place in his head— if he started he won't be able to stop till a panic attack catch his breath away.

 _So yeah, waiting just sucks_ – he thought taking a sip from his steaming cup of coffee

. With the more test results that needed to be done, and the MRI and CT results aside from the X-rays and a regular CBC tests.

It makes him think of his time dying from the palladium poisoning, it's not a very warm memories he want to receive.

"I'm so sorry for the waiting mr. Stark— we can start now."

The voice of one Helen cho struggle him from his river of thought. Made him stand with a forced smile on his lips. Putting his cup on the coffee table beside him. She still good like a grace as ever, her Asian hair pun and the white coat tugging around her shoulders makes her look even more graceful.

"Doctor, it's always good to see you." He answered casually before offering his hand in a quick greeting, letting his small press smirk work it's charm, she offered her own with a kind smile.

"Oh it is indeed, let's take this conversation somewhere more private." She didn't say it as a question more like an order— it makes him uncomfortable in his own skin, because he knows. This is so serious.

"Lead the way, doc." He answered before Taking his cup following her to her own 'private' place. He just thanked whatever God up there that Helen is still in New York for the last two weeks, this or he would have to bring her from Korea and it's just not so nice thought.

"I saw your tests results, and I am afraid I have some bad news." She doesn't even sit down or take any breathing, she just said this statement once she closed the door behind him to her own office.

"You are not gonna like what I have to offer, mr. Stark" she continued, finally slamming the papers of his results on her front desk. He just stand where he was, looking anywhere but her face, and suddenly the color of the coffee in his hand is so interesting for him to examine.

Because he knows, he can feel it— how his memories fading or how his own mind can't focus on one thing without making a glitch or an error— how his sleeping is so so little despite being always tired and exhausted.

He want to make a joke at her serious tone, or the sadness in her eyes, he really wants, but he knows she isn't gonna back done now.

"How much bad, Helen?" He asks in his soft but serious voice, his own recklessness and narcissistic masks are aside. He heard her loud sight once she leaned on her own front desk, crossing her arms on under her chest. Taking a deep breath.

"Helen—"

"You have 10 months, tops. with treatment you can cross it to 17 months—"

"No surgery?" He interrupted her statement with a quiet voice that made her stop and glance at his face, Frowning. He looks so calm and in the same time so accepting, like he already knows, She gave him two seconds before standing.

"You knew of the tumor, don't you? Tony—"

"I knew it _was bad_ , that's why I called you." He said, exhaling loudly before Taking a seat beside her office, putting his hand over his face before looking at her with tired eyes. The coffee forgotten at the top of his paper results.

" what about surgery, Helen? We can remove it—"

"You have a brain tumor, stage four." She said softly, closing her eyes with a sigh

"3% success with surgery tony— no one is capable enough to put his own career for such a small rate and even if, the result would kill you." She interrupted with so much force in her voice before he open his mouth.

she knows how hard the news on him already, But no one would accept such a case, he is THE TONY STARK, the most famous and richest man on earth, _genius, multi-billionner, former-playboy,_ _philanthropist, and A superhero who saved so many lives—_ No one would risk taking an empty chance to remove such complicated tumor.

Because it's a high way to ending someone's whole life, any doctor or surgeon would accept this case will be committing suicide.

Even if one of those accept the case, there is no way to till if he was going to survive the results, it's no different from seeking death with pointing a gun to his own head and wait for the effects.

He was silent for a whole 5 minutes, his hands in his lap and his eyes are roaming around the room, searching for something to say but his mind was empty of any words.

"I'm sorry, Tony." She finally offered, looking at him with such sympathy in her eyes, she can't imagine how could it feel knowing your final timing.

He stood up from his seat and went to stand by the window this time, taking the now not-so-warm cup of coffee with a trembling hand, looking at the outside world but not really seeing anything, putting his free hand in his suit pockets before finally talking.

"Pepper asked me to gave her some space." He said, not taking his eyes away from it usual spot, taking a sip with a grimace.

She stood there looking at his sagged shoulders, and so-ever defeated frame. His three pieces gray suit were so formal that by the look at him now you could see how much smaller he really looks.

the dark yellow sunglasses on the button of his bottom shirt were now on the tip of his nose, shielding his eyes.

" 'said we should take a break last Monday, I don't remember — that I was too busy, always too busy taking care of the coming Rogues and the company, spending too many hours in the lab again, never mind the usual time for my suit to actually be on a normal date with her." He continued, sniffing before removing his left hand looking at the golden ring around his finger.

He finally looked at Helen, removing the glasses with a frown that makes him look so confused and helpless, too many dark circles around his eyes under all the heavy makeup, now that she was taking in his face.

He looks so _so tired_.

"I knew something wasn't right the third time i couldn't remember that I was even engaged to her." And it breaks his heart, to know that the love of his life was faraway and distant, and sometimes when he miss her so much that it hurts — it hurts when he start shaking with the nightmares and find an empty bed beside him and just couldn't know _why_ — _why_ he was _alone_ or why she wasn't there playing with his hair، whispering a comforting words lulling him back to sleep, doesn't remember what happened to make her _leave_.

"You– ahh, want me to talk to her? I can—"

"No one will know about this visit, doc" he cut her off before she even consider that option, a little too fast, too hysterical. Because he couldn't do that to pepper. He just couldn't — and the idea of her alone in the world because she just loves him make his chest narrow and cutting the air out of his lungs, his heart beating painfully on his ribcage, the blood rushing over in his vines to his ears makes him dizzy and blury all over.

"Tony, you can't possibly think—"

"Helen, No. I will talk to them in the right time, okay?" He moved from his spot, the cup of coffee in his hand is shaking slightly, he is fully facing her right now— his breathing is a little shallow and now when she really looks at him again.

He sounds panicked. As in, on the average of a panic attack 'panicked'

"Okay, okay— this is not my secret to share, Tony. You know that." She said taking a step closer, smiling alittle– her hands up in surrender. She takes the cup from his hand, putting her palm up his biceps leading him to his Previous seat.

"Just breathe with me, alright?" He gave a firm nod before trying to adjust his breathing– but he can't shake the wight of it all on his own chest like a mountain, and he is being Suffocated— and he can't breathe— he _can't_.

"Tony— Tony look at me, we will find a way, we will, but I need you to breathe, don't think and focus on breathing." She lifted his chin up, putting her skinny palm at the center of his chest, she can feel how fast his heart is beating— or how red and glassy his eyes is.

It took him a little while until the plury vision he was seeing earlier focusing. slowly he start matching her own inhales and exhales, the wheezing that coming out of his own chest makes him grimace.

He finally nods, putting his face in his hands and before he can say anything, her palms rested between his shoulders, patting slightly.

" but You need to tell someone, Tony— No, not pepper, but I want you to promise me, that you will have someone on your corner in this time." She continued in a hurry not giving him a chance to interrupting her again, she makes her touch light but grounding, her voice soft but strong.

Because she knows he isn't gonna tell anyone, that's not how the Stark works at all, and she really wonders what's running up his mind now.

"I can't put anyone through—" he started, voice muffled on his hand.

"Tony, I swear to god—" her tone is so sharp like she is scowling a child.

"Fine! I promise you, I will, ahh I will tell someone." He removed his hand and looked at her, feeling tired and drained from all of this. The wheezing didn't disappear but was minimal.

She searched in his face for something, but she must have found it because she nodded approval-y with satisfaction in her eyes. finally she removed her hands from his shoulders before stepping back giving him his space. Returning to lean on her desk office before talking.

"I will try to find something Tony, I will— i have some contacts, but I'm not giving any promises." He nodded slowly, taking calming breaths before finally standing, his legs are a little shaky, but he still can walk so he ignor the feeling and makes up his mind. he turned to her before opening the door, Finally looking at her eyes with a little energy into his own.

"Thanks, doc. Really." He said in such a sincerely into his tone. Smiling a lip-line smile before opening the door and heading off.

She sighs, closing her eyes once again.

"Goddammn it."

*^*^*^*^*^*

10 months, what a joke! After all this years, _painful_ years— full of liquor, weapons and blood and wrongness— he is gonna make it out in 10 months.

He stood in front of the closed door, his hand still catching the knob of the doctor's office.

He should have known better, the stark luck of this family is just so so doomed, and all he can think about now is how he's gonna make it up to the world if he really going to kick the bucket.

He runs a hand over his face, breathing slowly to calm his heart beat and his racing mind.

Because if anything Tony Stark is a futurist— that's what the world calls him anyway.

And in that line of work? He knows his chances won't make him reach his middle forties in peace— Guess he's gonna start with the plane B then.

If the world is gonna lose Iron man, then he will make sure it has the rest of its superheroes. And he isn't talking about the ex-Avengers, either. He start walking down the hallway, looking at his watch and butting his sunglasses back on—

"Engage protocol BigGuns, baby girl."

A small smile dancing on the corner of his lips when he heard Friday confirmation.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Tbc...


	2. A shallow water.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All your dreams became a wish in the wind— 
> 
> All your fears of the future been buried six feet under"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys seriously, this chap is not beta-ed yet, if something caught your eyes you have the right to mention it on the comments.

He needs a new team.

Okay maybe, he needs **A team** , but that's not the point— he needs people who can protect earth and it's people, fight for the public not against it, that's what the Accords means, to protect. not only the people and their Properties, but also the few who signed their modified contracts before sending it to the UN department council.

that's what the whole ' _protocol BigGuns_ ' was suppose to be, anyway.

His plan is so close to be doomed if he couldn't get a hold of the real people he want to gather around the world.

Like **the defenders**. A very skilled group of people gathered together to protect New York City with a Traumatic past.

Each one of them has powers one way or another— Jessica Jones much like Steve Rogers' strength, lift cars with no efforts and throw people through walls.

Luke cage is the same with the bulletproof dark skin he has— it so fascinating.

And of course, Danny Rand also known as Iron fist— a very super fighting technique 'like a ninja foodoo crap' he read about him and the mystery of the man made him so much more fitting'

lastly, the horns' lawer, Daredevil— it didn't take a genius with a heavy research to figure his identity, Matthew Murdock helped him with taking out Ross after all. He just doesn't know that Tony knows of his alter ego.

And the **Fantastic Four** — with their leader, Richard Reed— the man has the ability to get under Tony's skin, pushing his buttons and just _pissing him off_. God— he don't want to think about him.

The **X-men** , a bunch of mutate, gifted people born with the Gen X in their DNA. The head professor, Dr. Charles Xavier— it will be a hard work for Tony to let the man sign the dammn modified contracts, he wrote, adjust and Edit their Accords to protect them specificly— he might has a chance with them even.

He couldn't think of anyone other than regular enhanced people like some past SHIELD agents or just a clever humans like him with their own technology and mind— like Hope Van Dyne also known as the wasp, but the public known of her is so limited, all you know about her is that she is the CEO of pym technologies and the daughter of the one and the only Hank pym who gave the douchebag Scott his Ant-man suit. 

He will have to work to bring them in of need to defend the earth in the face of the unknown threats

and of course— the Rogues. Minus Bruce and Thor.

After the last visit to Dr. Cho and the still dying from a A mass of mutated cells up his brain.

Helen told him that she was looking for a solution, and he knows she is really trying hard— because he trust her to do just that.

He also knows that there is no point, the 10 months turns into 9 now and it keeps getting worse— forgetting stuff, liking drinking 4 cups of coffee at morning and each time it's like the first for him. He isn't complaining about coffee, honestly he kinda feel glad.

And, he still, pretty much alone.

Pepper is up state, California— he talks to her via emails just to remind him of meetings and galas and SI deadlines bullshit. Of course she took Happy with her— and he is grateful for that fact. Someone's gotta protect her.

Rhodey is still attending his physical therapist from time to time at the compound with the new leg braces he sent last week, but other than that he is up with military stuff.

So yeah, alone. No one knows about his condition, he sometimes forget that he is fucked up in the brain 'not mentally at least'— but that's Friday's job to remind him anyway.

The problem is he doesn't remember Friday and her new protocol of taking more care to his well-being, or keep forgetting the upgrades of his suit and projects up until he made a not so secret air pads and instole her in it to keep remind him of things and to record all his meeting and appointments because with his new condition he can't keep up with alot of things even the sessions date and the right time to take his medication—

And, of course! annoy him into eating and sleeping like a regular human being that's how he found himself cooking some omeletts and heating some toast while filling his nth cup of coffee this morning.

"you keep doing that fri, and I will find a way to donate you up in the toaster" he said directly to his new ear pads, flipping the mix in the pan and adding some pepper and salt to it on top— the new ear pads is merely visible for the public eye, and he let his hair cover the rest of his ears when he is allowed at least.

" _You do just that, boss_." She answered with a humm in his ear.

"Sass, so much sass for your own good."

he tried to swallow back a laugh at her new attitude, but he failed miserably according to her small huff of pride and the slight switch of the lights above him. That's how he used to communicate with JARVIS sometimes— when the AI feels like bringing back his attention or when he refused to take care of his well-being or when he drink too much, the AI would express his own thoughts by messing with the electricity around Tony, and the thought that his baby girl acting like that made his chest full of warm and aching longing—

He slipped the toast out of the toaster and put it in a small plate before giving his omelet a last flip and resting it beside the toast on the plate.

Taking his already steaming mug of coffee and sitting down the counter, Checking the time once again before start digging in his food— 8:30 AM. Huh. Pepper would be so proud.

The worse part is his new treatment with the so called healthy food and his chemotherapy Medication, he was quite sure his life will be full of hospitals and wierd machines and baldness — but all Dr. Cho gave him is the injections on his sessions and regular Tablets and capsules some of them to help his almost blinding headaches and the other is part of the treatment.

That didn't help his nausea or his upset stomach though — it was hard sometimes to eat and not bring the food all the way back up again— it was frustrating and exhausting feeling make him achy and snappish all the time.

But those symptoms become worse after a few hours of the injections or the tablets— and the sessions sometimes make him so out of it with tiredness that his body can't ignore until he rest down and take a small hours of sleep, the burn in his vines or the ache in his body makes him want to just stop the treatment right there and then.

"What's on the schedule today, sweetheart?" He asks ignoring his latest thoughts, taking small sips of his coffee making his body full of enough energy to take him through the first part of the day.

"A meeting At 1 PM with the USA Accords conucil that the king of wakanda will attend accompanied with his sister." she started slowly into his ears, like she is scared of his reaction to the information.

And he really can't blame her for that.

He sigh loudly before putting the cup of coffee back at the counter, and runs a hand over his eyes in a terrible try to make his incoming headache at check.

It's not about the indefinite useless hours he had with the US at the meetings each month, or the preposterous amount of questions and arguments he would have swore to every God above that they asking it on purpose, or argue for the sake of arguing. NO.

Today they are gonna discuss the whole Rogues Current and future residence.

It's not that he didn't know where the Rogues were the bast two years, or that  
T'chala lied to him several times about this information and denied the knowledge of their recent position so many times to the council.

It didn't take a genius to know where the star-spangled merry band whereabouts after the shitty latter and the stupid phone, that every time he looks at it— feels like the dammn thing is insulting him, so he put it back in his office drawer and let it there— not even once he tried and press the call button when the pardons are already clear, and not when he discovered his recent condition.

He didn't need them— until now.

Oh! and The Winter— Barnes is under the king's protection, as well!

He stopped being angry and bitter long time ago, once he let himself calm and searched for anything related to the hydra fuckers, he felt himself slowly became sympathetic by how much information he collected on the former assassin— he knows that bucky really wasn't at fault— that he is a victim of HYDRA as much as his Parents.

Bucky was just the gun, he wasn't The culprit in this heinous act— no he was just a tool like any other thing in their front lab table.

He knows why T'chala asked for the BARF technology too, and he never mentioned it to the man that he improved the technology to help Barnes 'specially with the triggers and the horror show up his brain— the medical team and professors in wakanda would help with the rest. He knows.

It's just, each time he looks at the king's face all he see is how the man judging him from afar like he is killing puppies and hiding it from the world— he couldn't place why. He remembered asking him to be in contact with princess shuri, his young brilliant sister to help him improve his new nanotech suit ' kinda wasn't the real excuse.'

And he remember the king's answer of a short shake in the head and a very firm 'No.' With some wakanda nonsense after that.

Things became awkward afterwards— he and T'chala weren't really friends, he only know the man for alittle, you would thing the king and he should be buddy-buddy by now, but he only know T'chala from the UN meetings and the whole modifying the Accords thing—however he is totally sure that Iron man and the blank banther are a good allies— after the whole civil war thing and the _dying-with-a-dead-weight-suit-and-freezing-to-death_ situations 'thank God for vision' the panther king wanted to make it up to him by offering his aiding in fights if needed, that's how the black banther became a not full-time new Avenger. He really didn't fight with the rest of Tony's team much anyway. Only if needed.

He although didn't want to think about how he felt knowing that the king took Rogers under his protection as well.

God, he thought he overlooked the whole _lying-to-my-teammates_ thing, but the anger and betrayal never really walk away.

Not when each time he close his eyes to rest all he sees is his mothers nick breaking under a metal weight— the little broken ' _Howerd_ ' — or her bruised, bloody face— his father's ' _save my wife—_

Dammn, he missed being drunk.

"Boss?" He heard his young AI. concerned voice through the ear pads, though she kept her tone quit and small.

"Sorry fri, I am fine." He answered before exhaling loudly and picking up his cup of coffee once again. Inhaling the aroma of it before Taking a gulp.

"Are you sure, boss?" She asked this time through the ceiling speakers, her tone is so young and human that he feels his chest fill with warmth.

"Yes, baby girl, you don't have to worry about me." He said smiling slightly to one of the cameras at his left shoulder up the kitchen shelfs.

"Do you want me to go through the rest of the schedule?" She asked in a smiling, knowing, voice and he couldn't deny her. He nodded and left his right thump up.

She start filling him his ears about the details and the deadlines of some projects he is pretty sure didn't even start working on it yet in SI, and the meetings he has to come or he will be a dead man by a very angry CEO's white high heels —

He listened to his baby girl talking about his schedule and discussing the news afterwards, he smile over his cup after finishing his breakfast while Friday keep talking about her own opinion of the Population in New York City and the world lack of clean water and energy and the starvation problem in Africa.

He kept this moment close to his heart, enjoying the happy babbling of his young clever AI. Like it was the last time he would ever have to hearing her talk— he engaged with his own opinion when needed just to make her speak much more faster and excited.

He knows those moments were be taken from him sooner by his own brain or by his own busy life, this silence that echoed through the walls makes him calm and grounded from all the noise of screaming and yelling and fighting and arguing in his dreams and the outstand world. Makes him want— longing of the future he would never be able to had will always be hunting him in his dreams.

"Amm, boss? There is an incoming call from the vision— should I patch him through?" Friday cut the foggy thinking of his brain, straggling him slightly he felt his hand gave alittle shake as he squeezed the coffee cup in an attempt to hold it straight.

It took a moment for him to realize what just Friday said to him, and it took even more for the information to finally kick in.

"Shit, patch him through, baby doll." He said in hurry forgetting all about the previous thoughts with a small smile dancing on his lips.

He missed vision, the Android gave him a sense of calmness and peace while work with him, he missed having their heart to heart talks about the emotional behavior of human beings or hearing him speak of knowledge and experience of what has he went through since the time of his creation.

He missed watching his child-like 'grandson?' friend grow and learning about cooking and books and movies and games and stupid culture references—

"Hello, Mr. Stark." He heard vision's voice over the speakers and felt his heart gave alittle happy flip. Totally ignoring the formal greeting.

At this point honestly he gave up on making people call him by his first name— look at Peter and he knows the kid for almost 2 years and half.

"Viz! Buddy— I missed you, how have you been lately?" He asked not hiding his emotions walking on the steps of his therapist advice.

"It has been quit enjoyable, Mr. Stark, I missed having your company, too." The android said in tone that reminded him so much of JARVIS making his chest ache with love and sorrow all at once, he swallowed hard before forcing his voice to adjust again.

"I am glad that you're okay and having fun, buddy. I'm sorry tho, it's been awhile since I checked up on you." Tony smile sadly while talking, he doesn't remember when the last time he called to check up on vision, it was apparently before making the air pads because if so, Friday would have reminded him.

He felt angry at his own ability and his stupid, sick brain—

"I am sorry too, Mr. Stark. Things have been unexpected lately, so I apologize for my recent absence as well." The vision answered in hurry before Taking a pause, making Tony Frowning in worry.

"Vision? What is it, buddy?" He asked not hiding the concern of his voice.

"I heard about the Rogues pardons, I wanted to ask for your permission, before acting on my own this time—" the android started slowly, carefully like he was waiting for Tony to snap him shut or freak out.

the idea of him talking like that to vision makes him want to throw up, he searched in his mind for a memory of his being like that with vision and find none, and that makes his eyes wide in horror of the Possibly not remembering what happened to make the android think that.

His mind snaped out of his fog and he found the words slipping through his lips before stopping it.

"Visin, buddy— i don't understand what are you asking me here. Is this about, amm wanda? Is she with you?"

There was along silence on the other side that made Tony think maybe the connection is cut off.

"It is, indeed— I have talked about her case with you over the last phone call."

Vision's tone was uncharacteristically uncomfortable and nervous. So human and so young.

And then his words clicked.

_Oh God._

"Oh— I lashed out last time, didn't I?" He breathed rubbing his forehead tiredly. His chest is full of regret and guilt over something he can't remember. It makes him exhale loudly in frustration and resentment.

The silent that came after was shorter than before, but not less worrying

"Are you well, Mr. Stark?" The pure concern of vision's words— question made Tony's breath catch in his throat, the cheerful mood he was in has vanished completely now, he considered his options— telling vision will be a good idea if he wasn't on the other side of the world already.

_Having someone in his corner is easily said than done_

"Yeah, bud. I am willing to listen this time, so what's up?" He answered softly, taking a liking in his shelves' contents, not giving any real answer about his person.

"I wish to bring wanda home with me Mr. Stark, I know of the pardons and the retribution of her previous actions, it will merely take us both seven days to be on the US soil. I can't leave her now at this point— "

It took vision a small amount of time to gather his thoughts before speaking carefully again.

Tony sigh inwardly, wince at the stung feeling of fear and panic over having wanda back too soon.

"I will arrange something for you to be brought back safely without any one noticing then." The words slipped again without taking notice, if it was for the tired tone or the hushed, soft voice he would suspect that he was okay having her back around.

He found it so easily agreeing than arguing those days, to finally let things happen as it meant to be, he knows the risks of bringing one of the Rogues back before signing the Accords— losing his position as Iron man isn't something he wants, at least not until he complete his plans—

But he knows that vision isn't that obvious and insensible to risk her freedom by such a way.

He dismissed the words of gratitude from vision and disconnected the call with a quick excuse. Making sure to really order Friday to arrange a private jet with A Retroreflector technology and send it to vision's location on Auto-pilot on the right time.

He knows vision cares about him— but after the call it makes him uncomfortable thinking that maybe this time, only Iron man will be remembered in the eyes of his friends and people.

And tony stark will always _be not recommended_.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*

  
"Viz?"

He was looking at the new Stark phone in his hands and so lost in his head to notice the worry frown on Wanda's features. It was the same frown on his new human face that he manipulate with her help to control the mind stone.

She could feel the pure concern coming up in waves from his mind, the lost look on his eyes to the phone as he was looking for al the answers in it. Her heart gave alittle shake at the sight.

She was in the lobby of their hotel room while he took the call to Stark, she felt wary from the man after the whole Civil War thing as the media called it, but she knows now that she will have to return to the Avengers compound and face the music, it felt like Ultron all-over again.

They were in Europe, far away from all the mess in her mother home 'sokovia' and the Accords claim— but now she just felt so tired.

She felt so tired running away from something or someone like she didn't deserve the small moments of peace in her life, or the small loving touchs and caring from the person she loves.

"Vision? Are you alright?" She came from behind him, letting her hands rest on his shoulders, made him face her.

He lifted his grey blue eyes from where they rested to meet her pure green once, she doesn't know what Stark said to made him look this humanly pale— it wasn't the same look of upset and sadness like the last call. She suspected it has to do with the fact that she will be back at the compound behind the conucil approach and that he would risk his position and power as the same time as vision would— she felt angry and just frustrated at the man's behavior that night.

But, no— something is different this time, so different from the look on vision's face.

"Did Stark tell you no? I would understand viz.—" she started in a soft tone.

"Quit the opposite, actually." He cut in still looking puzzled and lost in his own head.

She lifted her hand and rubbed her right thump over his cheekbone, breaking him out of his fog. She didn't show her own surprise at the news, she was pretty sure Stark would all but let her back at the compound after she had done.

She kissed vision on the cheek before cupping his jaw with both hands, looking him in his baby blue eyes, a soft yellow glow made itself known on his forehead at her touch. 

He looked at her again with a scowl between his eyebrows looking like a very confused child, She fought the urge to smoth it away with her thump.

"I don't think Mr. Stark is doing well, wanda." He said finally, his tone giving away his worry to his creator, never mind his sagged shoulders or his stiff frame.

She doesn't know what made him think like that.

She really don't like the billionaire, stark was used to build weapons for the living and so many children became orphans because of his recklessness, so many mothers grieved their dead husbands or partners— too much blood for every single signature he put in a sale paper.

He threw them away in an enhanced cells with a collar made to take away her powers like a noose around her neck.

But then, she did exactly the same thing to take revenge, killing people and rape minds—She knows what she put in his mind to trigger his PTSD and anxiety attacks— and then came Ultron.

And then her brothers death— her own Afghanistan, the wake up call.

She didn't notice the man's efforts to make it up for her—She was lost, so lost in a deep dark place with her own grief and longing for her missed twin brother, there was no home, no family, no friends, then Steve offered her a position between them all, and then vision's soft eyes and beautiful mind.

She didn't notice.

From food and clothes and books to continue her long lost education to the small accessories on her desk on Christmas or the small guitar on her bed because she was interested in learning some type of music.

She didn't notice how he tried in vain to protect her each time she went into the public or when the sokovian screamed to has her head on an iron stick, or when the reporters attacks her with so much hater and so much blame.

No she didn't, all she did was bury the man under several floors of the building just because again, he tried to protect her in his own ways.

She didn't understand him, she never tried to really know the man—

He never shed away from any hateful words she throws at his face, no.

He just let her take his own anger on him—

And she never noticed— until she did.

"We will be home soon—

He is going to be alright until then."

Her soft tone didn't betray her own thoughts.

Because for a reason, she didn't believe her own words.

And for the first time, she hopes for the sake of them all, that he is alright.

Vision hugged her with a soft kiss on her forehead after.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

It was a 3 hours and a half meeting with the UN Accords conucil and they still couldn't figure out how to make the former avengers to sign if they don't know where they are.

" ** _Y'know gentlemen, we can use our sources with the News channels and News papers to publish and spread the tip out of their pardons—_**

**_"I don't think that's a good idea to leave them the chance of choosing if they were able to accept the pardons or be forever a runner from Justice, plus the public also would explode by the news of pardoning them, what about the family victims of —_ **

**_"They need to know the consequences of their action and sign the modified contracts before stepping on the US soil!—_ **

It took another hour for the king of wakanda to finally crack and come clean to admit that he is keeping the former superheroes in a safe place after they manage to _'sneak into the country without notice couple of months ago'_

That alone makes the whole UN council jump into another shouting match, 

The statement itself made Tony bite his tongue not to let a bitter laugh at how ridiculous it sounds— because everybody knows no one can just sneak into wakanda without the king's notice, but it says something about how desperate the UN council is to have them back without any problems. 

And the conucil took upon themselves to question the Rogues behave and who exactly is in the king's custody, before finally calming down.

Agent Romanov alongside Ms. Maximoff whereabouts were unknown to the king— exept Mr. Lang because the man has already turn himself in and took a plea trail.

Then it came the former winter soldier's case.

Princess shuri was only there to prove that sergeant Barnes was doing well with the help of the B.A.R.F technology that they took from Dr. Strak and the mental therapy he was taking makes him triggers-free and safe to be around—

Barnes case took much more time because the man was P.O.W for over sixsty and lalf years— but his actions in Leipzig and the airport though, is another talk internally because he had control over his own mind at this time.

No one mentioned Siberia for his Fortunate, and he kept it that way. It was better unknown—

At the end of the meeting they all gave T'chala two weeks to bring the Rogues contracts signed alongside Mr. Barnes. And of course the only place to have them back is the compound. He is just glad he still has the tower now

The meeting was one of the longest meetings he has ever had— or  
At least to his own knowledge, and he was emotionally exhausted already.

His day in the SI before coming here was loaded too, without pepper to back him up with the company here things were alittle difficult, jumping from a meeting to meeting and the endless paper work— never mind the meetings with the head of the R&D departments and Japanese investors, with the now already blooming headache around his skull, all he wanted was a hot cup of coffee and the peace of his lonely lab.

He waited for the government men to swarm around the conference room exist before talking quietly to his phone.

"Friday, did you get that? Because if you don't im gonna murder myself with a hammer—" he moaned in his last words before manage his temples.

"Already done, boss." Fri answered quietly from the phone's speakers— he still wears the air pads but it would be so awkward if he was talking to his ears by himself and someone heard him.

"Please tell me that was my last meeting today—"

"Well— if you counted the lab time with Mr. Parker as a meeting, then it would be a very unfortunate answer, boss."

He let a groan at her sassy attitude, but appreciate her efforts in lighting his mood, he could have said she succeeded, however if not for the soft giggling behind him that made his back tense in surprise.

He turned around to look at his new company, and found himself face to face with a yong wakandian girl carving a Curious but intelligent look on her face and a small smile up her dark lips.

He stood up in a hurry, not masking his surprise at her sudden interest.

"Princess, it is a pleasure to meet you officially." Tony said in an excited but casual tone bowing his head Slightly.

He tense once noticing the two guarded women wearing an official wakandian outfit approaching them slowly. At the head of them was a bald woman he recognized her as she was at T'chala's shadow with her terrifying spear that he's sure was made of pure vibranium— he sigh inwardly before taking his gaze away from them after offering them a small tired but friendly smile.

"Shuri is fine, Dr. Stark— was that your artificial intelligence?" She noticed his own tense body at the appear of the Dora milage. But didn't comment on it, instead she just let her own curiosity shown glancing at his Stark phone in a puzzled look.

He smiled softly at her.

"She was, yes— Friday? Say hi to princess shuri." He holds up his phone to stand between them and his own smile grew when he saw her eyes lightning up like a Christmas tree at Friday replay.

"Hello, princess shuri— my name is Friday I am a learning AI created by Tony stark to help him run his life 'sorry— I mean his house." The cheerful voice of Friday made Shari's polite smile a whole beam, she giggled softly at the AI. Humorous tone.

"You wouldn't know at this point, would you, fri?" He said failing radically to keep his own teasing tone under.

"I wonder if it was a glitch, boss!"

He chuckled at that at the same time shuri let out a snore.

"She is fascinating! I want to know everything about her!" The small excited voice and cheers of shuri made him smile in surprise.

It's been so long for him to engage with someone who can keep up with his own mind and thoughts for so long— and her cheerful excitement made his chest full of yearning and longing.

He and shuri exchanged the technology talk and the creation of his own AIs for a whole 20 minutes— his mind was racing happly and his tiredness was forgotten for the first time since who knows when, he was trading ideas for ideas and information with another. They didn't touch any sensitive topics, or went in any heating arguments, it was so refreshing in away that reminded him of his own time with Peter or Bruce or harley for the matters, and it made him want to continue their chatting and exciting topics for ever— he could see how interesting the ideas of the princess was, or how extremely intelligent she was and how her mind is shining with the new future of technology and Science.

They would have continued their talk for almost an hour if not for the sound of someone cleaning their throat behind them.

He stop on his tracks for a moment, his own words swallowed in his gullet almost immediately as he swayed his head around —yet another known wakandaian up his back with an unreadable expression on his features.

"Your majesty." He said politely standing up from his seat -when did he even sit?- to shake the man's hand.

"Mr. Stark, it is good to see you again." He said looking at his sister, before giving her a look. And all she did was smirking at his face with a shitting eating grin.

"It is indeed, brother! I must admit he is cleverer than I thought." She said not hiding the teasing tone in her voice.

"You aren't bad yourself, princess." He throw back with the same tone, couldn't contain the grin he was sporting.

"Oh, ain't i? And it's shuri! Princess is so serious for me to take." She complained, still with the same cheery mood, he think he will never see any other mood on her but that anyway, and that thought made his grin widing.

"Shuri it is then, you can call me Tony, too." He said with a small smile.

"The jet is ready to take off, your majesty." The feminine with the strong African accent quivered them from their own chatting.

He held his hand out for shuri to take before backing himself with his own casual, business like tone but his smile never changed.

"It was really a pleasure, shuri."

"The pleasure is all mine, tony— I might add that our chit chat will not end by my dumb brother!" She said taking his hand before walking out with the one of the guarded women. Glaring at her older brother's head.

And again he was left alone with the royal kitty—

"Not so many people take my sister seriously." He said after a moment not looking directly at Tony's face, hands behind his back.

And suddenly he felt his features soften because he understand now why he refused Tony's requests.

"So many people are not me T'chala, your sister is the future, don't let anyone underestimate her mind." He patted the king on his left shoulder slightly.

T'chala looked at his face finally, and for the first time Tony didn't see any judgments or misreading in his eyes. All he saw is a young foreign powerful man with Enviable wanted force in the world, trying his best to protect his people and the people he loves and care about.

He understood where the man came from, after all— Tony felt bad just at how he thought the man held a personal grudge to him. 

He smiled at Tony's face for the first time before sticking his hand out for him to shake.

"I might be the one who underestimated you Mr. Stark, allow me to make it up for you properly this time." T'chala smiled in return. Turning his frame to the exit.

"There is no need, T'chala. and it's Tony."

"See you next time then, Tony."

He felt a small blossom of friendship growing between them already.

He raised his eyebrows when a massage from shuri to Face-call him and continue their talk when she gets home appear at his phone screen.

Huh.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

He was on his way to the lab, suit jacket forgotten somewhere with the tie undone clinging around his nick, a fresh steaming cup of coffee in his hand.

He groan once his bottom touched the safety of his chair.

He was about to take a small sip from his cup, the pleasure moan preparing itself be unleashed—

"Boss, there is something with JOCASTA's reading you might want to look at."

He almost inhale his first sip at Friday's words, his mind screamed at him in panic as he trundled his chair with a push immediately not taking anytime before bring up a hologram screen up in the air to receive JOCASTA's readings.

_Oh god— please don't be alien attack. Please don't be alien attack, please don't be—_

The record of that statement didn't stop itself in his brain, until he reads the strange behavior on the satellites reading to any unnatural radio waves.

"Baby girl, work with me, what i am seeing here?" He breathed in panick before typing his access code to have a better look in details of what's happening up there.

"It appears to be a specific faint Sound frequencies for an alien source, boss. JOCASTA recorded the readings and turn it into a rather broadcasting frequencies, and it's uhh—" she trailed off hesitantly, her voice is so worried and it made his anxiety increase like crazy.

"give daddy something to work with here because im an inch away from freaking the fuck out, fri." He almost yelled, almost.

Because he is so not gonna like what's those readings means.

"You really need to hear this, boss." She finally said in a cool robotic voice as if she's preparing for something.

_Oh God, please don't be it—_

_"_ Hit me." He took a deep breath, his heart is beating like it want to be out of his ribcage. His mind is in a very not so pleasant memory and he think he might be freaking out alittle.

" _ **Amm, hello? Is this working? I don't think it's working Rocket, it's kinda —"**_

_**"—for fuck's sake, just say the words Quill!"** _

_**"—God fine, why you so snappy today? It's not like I meant to broke the dammn weird electrical leg any—"** _

_**"Quill—"** _

_**" fine, fine— so okay, hey amm tera, this is star lord, the captain of the guardians, like in guardians of the galaxy, we save planets, help get rid of massive worlds destructions dudes and stuff, we're pretty much famous."** _

_**"To the point, jackass."** _

_**"Don't be so pushy! So to anyone who will receive this massage, we came to warn you and help you guys— there's something is coming, something is big and we came here to help, be ready to our arrival and please, don't attack! The ship is so screwed with the last attak on a planet we had to face! Anyway— 4 months to send, estimated time of arrival 3 months.** _

_**Peter Quill out, see? It was so so easy to—**_ "

The record ended with a thug, and it took Tony's breath away with it.

If he thought he was freaking out before.

He is in his full PANIC ATTACK mode right the fuck now.

 _Oh god_ —

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*


	3. Silent waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What kind of man, planing in protecting the world, instead of finding a way to recover from his illness?" Matt thought in confusion, rubbing his thumb in circles on the fabric of the pages. 
> 
> An iron man, apparently—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos for my own smol depressed heart? Please?

He was drifting.

Hard

He didn't think it was possible to trigger his already shaking mind with just such a simple words, but in the end— everything became more difficult than before and horrific memories of being lost in aimless darkness alone, or being the last one standing while all the loved once dead because he wasn't good enough— and suddenly there is no air as if there is none left in the area for him to simply breathe in.

He felt his chest fill with nothing but deep deep fear and painful flashbacks—

His vision isn't here anymore, and there is no air—

There is no air in the dark starless, empty space— only destruction by an alien threats looming over the horizon with a nuclear bomb up his boneless body, nothing but destruction by an army of unknown forms.

He is floating in the space with no air allover again.

And the horrific uselessness, the unseen blood on his own hands— on cap's broken shield and Natasha's unmoving body—on the dead bodies of his fellow teammates and loved ones.— there is no one there only him and the destruction of his failure and he knows that imagines of Steve's words will came back to hunt his restless dreams once again.

his mind is screaming at him for being such a weak pathetic self, because the record is only a warning. To help, nothing bad.

He will make sure there's nothing bad.

He is Tony stark, Iron man, then merchant of death— 

He will make sure—

Then why can't he breathe?

"—and then MJ just stood suddenly after knocking his books and called him on his bullshit with a straight face oh!oh! mr. Stark you gotta see flash's face at this moment, it was so priceless!—" 

There was a soothing calm wash over him once he manage to clear his ears, he knows the excited ramble of that tone, makes him grounded, safe and wanted. But he couldn't make the words with how much rushed blood in his ears or how painful his heart beat is against his replaced Sternum, he couldn't take his hands away from it as if to protect it.

"—It's gonna be okay Mr. Stark."

There was something holding him still on his place (ground?) Once he realized that he was no longer in his darker mystical mind. he took a moment to simply listen to the soothing nervous fake, cheerful forced voice of one Peter Parker.

He didn't know how or when the kid arrived here to witness the ugliest moments of his mentor's (hero? His not-so-sure father figure?) Life.

He didn't even focus on what was the kid saying, all he focused on is how much thin air was now taking his way through slightly blue lips and the glassy look on his eyes was hidden under better masks, the comfort hand rubbing gentle circles on his back made it alot easier to come back online.

He didn't realize how much the kid's face calm his heart beat down just looking at him all concern and scared— the expression made Tony's brain scream PROTICTION.

It helps— helps take his mind off very awful, very not-so-cool place up his messed up brain.

It felt like infinity for him to make his shallow breathing to even out, it didn't. Bug it was better now— there is air. And he is so so grateful that he let his tense muscles relax alitttle under Peter's hands, and leant slightly on his strong frame, he need this even if his mind scream 'weak', but his body is so tired with the lack of the oxygen and exhaustion of the day.

"I've got you, you aren't there anymore Mr.stark, you are here— in the lab with Dum-E and butterfingers, you are safe—"

And it kept going on and on, he let his head rest alittle on the kid's shoulder so out of it but he let Peter's Presence calm him down, fighting the urge to cling to the young boy for dear life.

It took 10 minutes for Tony to be able to finally get a grip on his slipped emotions, he took deep breathes— his vision started to come more clear and his mind calmed but the nightmare of his flashback-panic-attack was there on the back of his consciousness and mind.

and it took over that for his mind to make him so much embarrassed by the fact that he needed an almost 17 years old spider-baby to calm him down like that—

Oh God— _I think I might panic once more._

"Peter—" he breathed the name like a prayer in a whisper, and the effort of it made the kid held his mentors shoulders even tighter. Looking down with relief and worry all mixed in brown doe eyes.

"Oh thank god— Mr. Stark, are you okay? I thought you were hurt or in pain, because you were holding your chest on the ground and i kept calling your name and then you stopped breathing and I panicked and Friday told me to—" it took 3 seconds for him to break the tension in the air by his cute rambling. His face is alittle shaken and pale.

"Woooh, kid breathe I'm fine now, one cup of coffee and I will be good as new." He smiled tiredly at him before broken his position on the ground beside his desk. He was alittle dizzy, so he took his time Standing looking for the nearest stool.

God, he was too old and tired for this—

His movement made Peter's hand rest back on his lap, and Tony didn't seem to notice the more worried and upset look on the kid's face looking at his hand as if they were useless now.

He broke from his position on the ground too before Tony and hurried to help him up his knees, Tony once in his life didn't even protest and let the kid help him up to the stool.

Once he was well settled he looked to the nearest camera on the ceiling and ordered firmly, his face serious but breaking alittle on the end.

"I need you to prepare an emergency call with the US and the Accords council once we finish up here, fri— I want Rhodey, vision and T'chala, to have a copy of the readings sent to them alongside the record . This is big— keep your eyes on your baby sister's rader screen from now on" He sighed internally at the drama life of the famous Tony stark and just slumped his shoulders once again when he received Friday confirmation, the headache that was forming behind his eyes made itself known with full force, he moaned dropping his head on his palms and groaned once again — loudly like a 5 years old baby. He let his breathing adjust, making his blood pressure balanced and taking a very calm deep breathing to keep his heart rate normal—

"Mr. Stark? Is something wrong?"

He almost jumped of his own skin— Goddammn it! He turned to the teen, forgot that Peter is sti with him in the lab, almost— the concern tone hiding under the very much fake grown up poster on his face and body language makes Tony wanna just protect him even more from the world.

He sometimes forget how young the kid truly is.

"Naah, kid. All peachy— just some urgent stuff with the Accords crap, stressed to hills but im all good now, thanks to you by the way, so umm, how was your Spanish test?" He was relieved when Peter's concern look on his face twitched into a 'eww' look with a scrunched nose and then 'i hate my school life choices' look in two seconds.

"There is a reason why we don't have nice things, Mr. Stark." He answered dramatically before walking over the small coffee machine beside Dum-E and his backpack.

He petted the bot's claw with a small smile that made him beeb' happly several times before wheeling away to his charging spot as usual.

It was a protocol for the bots to be in their charging spot in the lab when Peter comes around after one accident that almost costed Tony his multi-billion dollars lab.

And possibly their lifes. So—

"Drama queen." He teased with a smirk on his face hoping to lighting the mood and just avoid any talk aboutwhat happened minutes ago.

He stretched in his chair before standing up. The coffee he poured is now cold and uncomfortable on his mouth.

"Look who's talking! You whined for 4 HOURS once because pepper ordered you to do some paper work. "

"You’re a brat.” he deadpaned, with a fake glare.

“you've said." The boy smiled smugly at his older mentor and tried not to break in a whole smirk with the look Tony gave him.

That shut tony up quickly, he let a breathless soft snore of laugher after a moment, letting himself relax fully by the sudden change of subject— the tension vanished and the snarky mood filled atmosphere around both of them. He was so glad at the change of the subject. But he know Peter ain't gonna let him be alone for a while now.

"I'm gonna change my clothes and then we can start, don't blow anything up before my return, underoos." He said standing up again with a little effort.

"We can respite for a little Mr. Stark, we ah— has plenty of time! I told may that I will stay here for the weekend over inter project stuff—" the kid blurted out suddenly, now standing on his feet trying to reduce tge boiling blood from rushing to his face, but it was mixed with worry and concerned and care.

"Kid, I'm totally fine, I'm not canceling our lab time because of a little trigger, also it helps me keep my mind off of things, too" Tony told him, sighed softly at the kid's words that made his chest full with warm and pride. Peter was silent for a while before nooding his head with a flat-lined smile.

He wondered if that what parents felt like when one of their kids helped them out, but the idea vanished quickly as it became.

And it didn't take Tony 10 minutes before he was standing back in his previous spot beside the teen with an old pair of jeans and AD/AC black tee, a fresh cup of coffee ready waiting for him on his worktable.

"Okay, get the suit out! Time to do some crazy science, this time spidering, you are gonna do all the work— i will just give you the instructions."

It didn't take long before both of them were on their usual workbench in the middle of the lab, Opposite from each other, working on their own projects while soft old rock played on the background.

He let the kid's rambling while he work on his side project he was working on in another table behind the teen, he let the kid talk about school and his time in patrolling with saving old ladies and stopping the young robbers and helping the lost kids back to their home—Tony would acknowledged the boy here and there with short answers and questions just to keep him speaking. Letting him know he was listening. he let himself pretend that Peter didn't look over his shoulder to check on his mentor from now and then— it made Tony's chest swell with warm fuzzy feeling.

It was nice— the talking, kept him calm away from his dark thoughts or from the silent panic of what was waiting him up there— among the stars.

So he let himself sink in the voice of the kid to keep him distracted it was like hearing his favorite music or listening to Rhodey's old MIT boring stories. Or Happy's whinging about the lack of security and badges on SI.

"Mr. Stark?"

"Hmm?"

He was almost out of the outside world in his own head when Peter's awed tone startled his thoughts— he kept his eyes on the hologram's screen though, moving his hand around trying to zoom and separate the main area of the power source in the—

"Is that amm— a metal prosthetic arm?"

His hand stopped suddenly in the air, his eyes lost interest in the screen infront of him as he turns around to face the kid.

"It's actually vibranium but yeah, cool right?" He raised his left eyebrow at the kid's curious expression.

Peter is smart, smarter than the averaged people on his midtown school he knows— the kid should be on his second college year by now but instead he is still stuck on high school, it didn't take a moment before peter's whole frame to lit up, and suddenly he was just there two inches away from the hologram blue screen.

"Vib— omg! This is so cool! Can I take a look?" The kid asked not taking his eyes of Tony's screen. At all— his eyes huge with Curiosity, studying the figure and working out the calculations.

'You already lookin!' He thought playfully before stepping aside letting the kid have more access.

If he wanted to be honest 'only to himself', he felt relieved that he wasn't alone looking at the cluster fuck of the so called, winter soldier's new arm.

"Yeah kid, — I'm still working on it, it just a prototype nothing detailed."

He rambled, tho he know because of his nervousness— he can't think about this dammn arm without the unpleasant pressure that would spread all over his skin. Made him feel sick each time he think about what the ever living fuck was that hydra arm. It was a horror show that's for sure.

"Oh my god, Mr. Stark this is way cooler than my suit's upgrades! The muscles panels just so cool look at that!, are you gonna put a skin tissue on it? So it would look kinda real?" He asked bouncing on the balls of his heels enthusiastically at the idea. Taking in on the sight infront of him.

Tony hummed appreciatively at the suggestion.

"I'm not sure if that would be acceptable, I didn't think of it before— it's uhhh not really up to me." Tony sigh. His hands moving so to set the arm back together on its main form, he wasn't sure what colors Barnes would want to, he will let shuri deal with this— so he let it be all black for now as a draft.

That's why he needed Shuri's help she has the full access to Barnes' medical scans, Dr. Helen said that to attach the arm to the shoulder they need to know how damage the nerves are and how functional the old shoulder panels attached to the bone itself before attaching the arm with CNS, he knows for sure that to control the soldier brain they manipulate the pain reliefs and messed up with the main nerves from up the spine.

He shivered slightly at the reminder—

"Boss, there's incoming video call from the princess of wakanda."

Ah, right— just on time!

"Patch it throw, baby girl." He said looking at a very distracted peter Parker.

He smirked at the boy's head before the hologram screen turned black and Shuri's face appeared on the screen.

It took a minute for Peter to calm his nerves at the sudden change before looking at tony with a surprised confused look and red ears.

Shuri just looked a a bit confused as to why there was a teenager starting at her instead of Tony.

"Princess! It's good to see you again, I hope it was a comfortable journey. " he said in a cheerful tone.

They both snapped their head to look at him, he almost laughed at the look on Peter's face at the word 'princess.'

"It was, who's the cutie?" She asked lookin at Peter with

"That's Peter, my personal intern, Peter this is princess shuri as known as the head of R&D Department in wakanda." He said putting his hand on the kid's shoulder and squeezing slightly. He smirked when Peter's eyes wided and gaped as a fish out of water.

"You’re the one who made the black banther's suit—." The kid said, looking younger with an awe expression and shocked tone.

"Oh i didn't know you took interns in sush a young age!." She said loudly smirking at very embarrassed Peter Parker.

"He is smarter than others at his age." He said ruffling the kid's hair with a smug smile on his lips, ignoring the 'hey! I'm 16!' Mumble.

Shuri eyes was bright with excitement like the first time he saw her few hours ago, and it didn't take from Peter a while to warm up his way in the princess heart. He smiled softly before stepping out of their way without them noticing him, Peter was trying to figure out how shuri manipulate the vibranium in T'chala's suit and the nano technology projects she was working on, she would explain and he will ask and answer and gave his own ideas and just like that both teens drink in each other thoughts and ideas leaving a pretty much amused Tony stark behind, smiling gently at them.

He moved softly out of the lab, running his hand over his face before sighing.

"My office floor, fri." He said with a serious but exhausted note. Running a hand over his already sweaty hair before entering the elevator.

"Should I prepare the meeting with the US Accords council, boss?" He took a deep breath before nooding to one of Friday's cameras.

He needs a break, he really needs a break.

Because now, he knows something is coming from the unknown space, and he is not stupid to take their words as trustworthy. Even his research about Peter Quill was useless— because so many with the name of Peter Quill with out there missing or dead or just in jail or under the CIA— it was so useless.

And in top of that, the picture of young innocent smile of Peter's and the unimpressed look on Harley face, or pepper's firm presence, or Rhodey, happy— and the list kept going, all of them need protection and he doesn't know how to do that, protect what's his.

" _ **Sorry to break your lovely evening gentlemen, but I've came with a bad news."**_

*^*^*^*^*^*^*.

He was standing in front of the stupid red door of Matt's department, he wasn't wearing anything flashy as a business suit or a tailored one either, just a simple leather jacket with a dark shirt under and a pair of light blue jeans, with the whole cap and the pink shade sunglasses hiding half his face.

Tony stood there, hesitated for nearly five minutes now to knock on the door, it's not like he didn't know Matt, or if they didn't work together— they did! Just more professionally than anything, he knows Matt the lawer, the calm collected man with the patient of a Saint and the polite profile he appears to had.

It's about Matt the other half, the red leather with guns and badass fight skills could gave black widow a run for her money. Dare Devil of hell's kitchen, the criminal fighter who hangs around patrols with the little spider and the kid wouldn't shut up about him.

He took a deep inhales, calming himself before adjusting his briefcase, and knocked the door.

It didn't take a moment before he hears the door clicked half open, and a very confused one Matthew Murdock standing there blocking any entrance with his dark gray sweater and the faded red sweatpants. From the look that Matt tried and failed to mask and the thin worried smile he put gave Tony anything, it was that the man already knows who's standing in front of him, it made Tony want to fidget nervously.

He tries to keep his tone light and casual as possible.

"Mr. Murdock, I hope im not Interrupting you from anything." He tried to smile a full Tony stark smirk with the usual ease he put infront of the cameras even though he knows Matt won't even see it.

"Dr. Stark, it's good to meet you again, I'm not sure the reason behind the sudden personal visit tho, is something up?" Matt asked, turning his wight once from foot to foot, not taking his hand away from behind the door, there was a nervous shake in his words and the concern lines around the end of his glasses shows how confused and surprised the man was.

"Is it okay if we took this conversation inside?" Tony asked, taking a deep calculated breath, waiting patiently for an answer.

And Matt must caught on Tony's serious form that this conversation is important enough for him to be here, alone—

"I don't know why not, come on in." Matt took a small steps back before opening the door more wider, making a space for Tony to go in.

Once he was in, the door clicked close behind him and Matt helped guiding him to the living room, he sit with a heavy grunt on the nearest chair he saw. but Murdock however, was still standing nervously, but smile politely at him as if he know Tony was looking at his face.

"Do you want anything to drink Dr. Stark?" The man asked, tone calm and welcoming.

"No thank you, I just came here in a quick talk, if you don't mind." Matt nods slowly before moving to settle on the opposite couch of the chair.

They waited kindly for a moment, making the silence between them alot harder to take, eventually Tony cracked.

"I know your true identity." He blurted out with a sigh, another beat and the tension on Matt's shoulder made itself clear now.

"I'm sorry? I'm not sure wha—"

"Matt—can I call you Matt?— I know about your other half, it didn't take that much time to find out who was behind the horns, I would feel offended honestly if you tried to act all dumb about it." His tone was still casual and light, tries to not be demanding an answer but in the same time not taking another excuse for an answer, and that made things kinda worse for his anxiety.

There was a long minute of silence that was enough to made fill the air with unwelcome thick tension that could be cut by a butter knife, Tony fight against the urge to bounce his left knee.

"Why are you here, Mr. Stark?" The threatening dark tone almost made Tony flinch in surprise, but he could admit that his words wasn't implying anything auspicious either.

He sighed in surrender and tries to roll with the captain America's 'we need you as much as you need us' stupid speech.

"I need your help, Mr. Murdock— please let me finish my piece first before jumping to untruthful facts?"

The way that Matt hold his shoulders up in tension and expectations at his first words, he was about to inject his response by the way his lips curled down on the corners unpleasantly.

He gave a little nod of hesitation before shifting uncomfortably and adjusting his position.

"Okay, I need you to be part of my new Avenger team, not only you— you and the rest of the Defenders as well, you can not only fight for hell's kitchen or New York City as whole but you can fight for the world, be part of a very talented Individuals who will have your back—" Matt curled his mouth in a frown at the talk move on, but Tony's words wasn't that bad, was it?

Until the interruption, and the disapproving tone broke his speech 'and heart' in half.

"Like the Avengers had yours and war machine's?" His tone was angry, almost demanding, like he couldn't believe how anyone would even consider trusting those people who called themselves 'heroes'.

Tony did flinch at the mention of Rhodey's injury, flashes of Rhodey in the war machine's suit falling from the sky with no back up, he couldn't catch him, his best friend out of the sky, couldn't catch him in time, and before he knew it the sound of the impact of the suit with the ground with a loud crush, or Rhodey's own scream ringed in his ears made his eyes round in pain and his throat close. His heart skipped some beats at the memory that made his breath hitched before it could escape his lips.

And he might look bad and guilty and drained of color as he felt, and his heartbeats gave way to much loud and fast sound, because somehow– Matt's face crumbled and his shoulder slumped in realization.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

"It's no one's fault what happened to Rhodey." the unspoken 'but me' was said unspoken between them hanging in the air and it made Matt wince at his own harsh words, he gave a small nod willing for the man to continue.

But Tony stood up from his position, walking to the balcony's windows, watching the beautiful sunset between the buildings, flashing shades of orange and red and blues and purple, reflexes on his own eyes, eating form the view half of its beauty— his vision suddenly filled with a soundless nuke explosion and huge falling aliens body and destroyed motherships, he took a deep breath before talking, this time he put a serious tone and a steady ground before speaking again—

Fuck Captain hypocrite speeches, here's a Tony stark one.

"There is someone up the clouds Matt, someone dangerous, big—his own purpose is destruction, I saw it when I was up there, when I flew the nuke, loki is nothing compared to what was there— I saw it when the witch fucked with my head, I saw it every time I flew up there in my memories. I'm not mad, or insane– Ultron wasn't built to annihilation the world, but to protect it from the alien forces, it didn't work And I'm still paying for what my hands made— I'm the only one who believes that we are still in danger for six years Matt, and I choose to act on it even if people called me insane. We need more of us, more of you and me."

He finished his talk with a sniffling sounds, looking away from the almost dark blue sky, leaning away from the balcony windows and into the living room, facing a hard looking Matt who was standing too, almost a meter away from Tony's left shoulder.

"Why now? Why not before? And don't tell me because no one believes you, there is something you aren't telling me, if you want me part of your team then you need to trust me first, Mr. Stark."

And Matt's words was so true, his soft but grounding tone broke something in Tony's chest and sets it free, something felt so much cold and denial that was unfairness and hot unbelievable like fury and so much tiredness, and before he could stop himself in time— it was over.

He felt like a bomb on a countdown 10 seconds timer.

"Okay, you want the real reason?— I'm gonna tell you the real reason, Murdock I spent 3 weeks arranging how to form and train a unite of over a twenty special individuals, how to form them into small teams to adjust— most of them are scared of fighting for anyone because of unknown past or scared from the now not-so-much-trusting public and for themselves because of the fucking Accords fiasco so, I planned of gathering them all and hunting them down, including you, to made a new whole structure, a more united and strong team— i worked hard Murdock, for a long time to made them feel save as the rest of the people they would be willing to protect, I made the Accords their shield not their preson.— " there was a lump at the end of his throat, he swallowed several times before looking straight at Matt's face, ignoring the dumbfounded expression on his face.

And _pushed_ the rest of the words out by a Divine power—

"so if something really happened, Murdock— when— if— if there was no more Iron man this time to flew the dammn nuke through the portal to save a city in the last 3 minutes or stopping the plan of a very maniac killer robot and save the world, I want to make sure that even when I'm not here, others would be, earth is gonna be protected, by trustworthy people— people who is strong enough to fight the big fight, who is strong enough to not break over a stupid selfish arguments— and then, maybe then I could— I could just rest in peace knowing I did enough this time." His voice broke in the end, not even looking to see the expression on the lawer face, he just kept trying to adjust his breathing again, blinking the stung in his eyes and the blur of his vision, the flashing of Captain America's words to him in Wanda's vision played on the background of his skull like a forming headache he couldn't handle.

**_You could have saved us—_ **

He could remember feeling the helplessness down to his bones, the horror of what he could have done to provide all of this from happening, he could remember how it felt to be the last one standing alive, while the corpses of his beloved onse thrown cold and blue rutten with gore and death and dark freezing blood underneath his hands ands fingers —

**_You could have saved us—_ **

And now, now he wasn't sure if he will be even here.

The anger and frustration took their tool on him for too long, and he really tried to just keep it cool and buried it down and down and just work and work and— and he was so drained and emotionally exhausted to fight it anymore, to live with denial of his helpless power to heal himself and to try and run away from his destiny.

He really hoped that cap's words won't happen.

And if part of himself, the selfish, scared shitless, small, dying part of himself felt relieved at the idea of finally kicking the bucket.

_And if he felt so ashamed and pathetic at his own thoughts — well... no one is here to judge._

It took a moment for Tony to fall out of his drowning thoughts for him to understand that Matt just asked him a question—

"What—how much left?.." Matt was a very intelligent guy, very clever who knows to read behind the masks and to see through the cracked walls.

It took Tony a minute to calm his nerves once again, and gain some sort of courage to form the words like a final declaration.

"Brain tumer, stage four— Eight months, maybe less, maybe more." He shrugged his shoulders in carelessness and gave a lopsided grimace, now when he think about it— there is's so much time left for his so called 'BigGuns' plans, and if something happened in those months—

"And no one—"

"No, just you and my doctor, let's keep it that way, too" he injected, shoving his hands in his pockets and looked back at the now light dark grey mixed with a gloomy shade of blue and purple, he could notice the small sparkles of stars between the heavy clouds and the half smile-y moon now.

It lasted for five minutes for Tony to finally gave up, he moved for the briefcase on the coffee table beside the doomed chair of Matt's living room.

"Murdock— matt, I'm not saying this to force you into anything, you asked the truth, you got it." He let out a long sigh, taking the prototype contract he made for him out of the case, placed it softly on the table.

"listen, Matt I made the Accords contract myself for each one of your teammates and for you too, I promise you protection for Daredevil and for Matthew Murdock, the very good lawyer, all I need you to do is to read it and put your own points and adjustments before signing and gave it to the Accords conucil, all im asking is for you to think about it, when you made your mind, you know where to find me."

He placed his sunglasses back on just for the small way to his car, took a deep breath, he clapped Matt oh his shoulder on his way out of the living room, Matt's soft footsteps shadowing him from behind.

He stopped suddenly infront of the wooden dark red door, turned just lightly for Matt to face him in attention.

"And Matt? Thank you, for keeping your eyes on the 'spider kid, he is one of my own." He smiled a lopsided soft smile, showing a hint of a white teeth underneath it.

"He will always be in a good hands, Tony, don't mention it."

He exhaled a small grateful snore before opening the door.

For the first time in along time, he felt a small, glowing light in his chest, jammed between all of those awfulness of his previous thoughts and feelings.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Matt closed tge door behind mr. Stark softly, kept listening for his footsteps to disappear completely down the hall and then the stairs before forcing his foot to walk away from the door to the living room once again, sitting on the same chair that Mr. Stark sit on not so minutes ago—

He moved his position to face the coffee table and just breathe, observing the last hour of his day slightly.

He stretched his arm, snatching the papers from the coffee table, examining the rough of its material under his fingertips, working the Braille writing on the front page.

_What kind of man, palning in protecting the world, instead of finding a way to recover from his illness_?" Matt thought in confusion, rubbing his thumb in circles on the fabric of the pages.

_An iron man, apparently—_ he find himself reading the contract with a fond smile on his lips.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*

TBC—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Free hugs for those who put kudos, like free— free, free— FREE.


	4. Moonless night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though, what's the point now? 
> 
> What's the point if the only thing he needs to fight IS himself and he is so fatigued to start knowing how and why he should even fight anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay IMPORTANT: Some people when they think of CW and one Steve Rogers the conclusion of him being a bad friend and leader would be thrown by many different people, I gotta say I'm in— but Steve ladies and gentlemen is still young punk who know nothing about politics and modern shit and this issue im gonna discuss here as well as best as I could give. 
> 
> But he IS not bad, his actions in the movie was stupid followed with his undying love for his bff, he acted as he can do that without consequences and that was wrong— but he didn't deserve what some other writers put him through in so many fics, like prison for the rest of his life or worse, Death. Steve needs a wake up call just it, but HE IS GOOD, and I don't hate him. Much— ;*

"I won't bite you, promise—"

He wisperd softly, kneeling down to It's level while his almost melting vanilla cupCream he was holding, trying to encourage the small thing out of the empty, filthy, smelly can box she was hidden barley with her whole body in, hissing at his presence with a dirty dark grey claw.

He sighed in defeat.

he was out like a regular human being this evening, being Tony Fucking Stark put to much of stress on his shoulders to take after his last try in the new treatments. the last Session with the injections left him feeling sick and sore and gaging into an open toilet seat with spasms and aching stomach with nothing coming up but a disgusting yellow pile or just dry heaving, it left him struggling with his surroundings for nearly four hours, the idea that he couldn't even focus on what happened after that left him frightened in his own skin—

It kept getting harder and harder for him to break out of his own own tiredness or simply finish any work without feeling drained to the core

Or the nightmares that swallowed any sense of security inside his head, scared him from falling asleep like the bogeyman to prep childrens, scared of the feeling that followed that made him want to claw his brain out and shut it up— the shaking after any anxiety attacks that hit him hard the past few days.

It's all with too much for him that he just wanted out.

So here he was with the basketball cap and slight blue sunglasses coverd half of his face, the gry hoodie covering the back of his head, the worn out dark blue jeans with a sport shoes, no one recognized him, or much he hoped for it to be last till the end of his evening.

He was on his way back home after along day of arguing and talking and arranging with the rest of the Defenders, Jessica Jones was the most stubborn one of them all, if Matt counts, her case was so much easier but her anger essue was up to the hills, the rest didn't surprised him that they simply took his words at heart and left him with only a thank you and 'I will think about it' as Matt's, it just left him only with the hope of accepting and signing the contracts but nothing more than waiting for an answers.

It didn't help that he absolutely felt like a failure at the end of the day, and he couldn't help but feel like a car just crashed him all over and throw him at the sidewalk to pick up the pieces, with the efforts of it all, he felt overworked and toilsome.

It was one of those cloudy day at the reach of October, it felt nice— coming out of his hiding for once and enjoying the start of the evening at four and half PM. he wasn't one to enjoy the sunset in walking down the streets in searching for some crappy coffee. But this day he felt like he was being scoffed in the aftermath of all the paper work he had to do.

He missed pepper, he couldn't stop missing her like a lost limb. He missed her Presence, soft touches and the calming words she throws into his head just by hearing her voice, her warm smiles and loving baby blue eyes— all the way out from home he couldn't help but think of her, or Rhodey and his own dark humor and his stupid-not-at-all interesting missions as a colonel in the Air Force.

So at the end of his evening, with the thought of his fucked up life and a cold bitter empty cup of coffee at his left hand, atop of it a cup of ice cream, he was heading way back home, while he was cursing eavey Stark luck, He heard it.

The small tiny meows that broke through his dark thoughts and lonely memories, and he couldn't help but follow the pathetic meows that pegged for attention.

And then he found it, the small ball of fur.

And just like that he couldn't walk away—

"Yeah buddy, that's it— " he let out a long sigh cutting on his own statement, putting down his cup at the ground infront of it, looking down at those huge curious glassy eyes, the small thing curled out of its place after a whole five minutes, eyeing the melting ice cream with hungry look as it licked it's lips.

It walked with hesitation at first to him, head titled to the left with a uncertain movements toward him, ears twisted backwards, ready to attak if he was a dangerous creature— it took another five minutes for the small ball of fur to feel safe enough to start licking at the melting vanilla at the ground first while looking at him with what looked like suspicious.

He huffed a breathless laugh at the thing, his knees barley touching the dirty ground beneath him, his eyes dancing with amusement, watching as the small fur put all its focus on eating the ice cream, it didn't look like a stray cat to him, it looked different. Her livery grey fur was strangely disheveled.

he stretched his hand slowly at its head, it eyed his movement while eating so he considered it code green and strat to scratch behind the small fur's ears lightly, it gave a small deep purr that vibrate all its form, closing its eyes in pleasure.

It looked at him then, white small drops Smudges its mustache and its half open mouth, the ice cream now long forgotten at its looked his fingertips expectantly, sniffing at his fingertips she quickly start to rub her tiny head at his open palm, looking at him with so much glee shouting a small pinched 'meow's, it didn't stop until he gave in and picked her up, examining her tiny form between his large hands for any injuries. She was weightless.

"God, why are you so small? 'makes it harder for me to put you back down!." The words felt like a whine to his ears more than a complaint.

He couldn't find it in himself to just look at those wide dark amber, honey eyes and pink nose with small paws and a dusky grey fur and not to melt right away for it, he wondered if it was someone else's before they throw it out to the wild world. What a creul minds.

The small fur looked at him, her tail stirred at his voice, as if she was pleased by it, her ears flicked back And a small meow of her made it so much like a plea for help to him more than a stupid nonsense.

"Fine! I'm taking you! Just because I don't trust those shelters, not because you are so cute— and tiny— and fluffy—" his voice wavered at the end of his statement and he couldn't continue looking at its because he swore he felt his heart swell, so he huged the small ball close to his chest instead, rubbing its back fur with a hand and scratching softly behind one of its ears with the other, wincing slightly when one of its sharp nails almost ripped his collar in half.

He didn't hide his smile though once he felt his chest vibrate from the pleasant purring.

*^*^*^*^*

Standing there facing the unknown woods, wearing unfamiliar uniforms, Steve feels hot.

For the first time in his life, he was thankful for the sun and its hard beams at his now tan skin، burning what left of a seventy years of ice out of his bones.

Wakanda is so beautiful at this time of day, calm and shining like the white blue stars in the dark, filled with intelligence and veneration of those who wants to know what's inside the thick brown and green jungle.

It felt nice, the heavy thick air— sweet and foreign but seems fimilier, a beautiful sight for Steve as he looked over the hills and watched how the sun fell down from bright yellow to whiskey orange and bloody red covered the top of the lands to the jungles of Africa— how the night fall conquered the baby blue of the sky in a strange heavenly way of colors.

It was a breathtaking piece of art made by the hands of God and Steve never felt appreciated by the opportunity.

But the ache of longing as he watched the blue sky being swallowed by the dark night makes it hard for him to look and not miss what he had sacrificed. A home.

It's been a long ride, way too long for him to feel anything but tired, he missed his home country, his people— he missed the simplicity of being just there at the Avengers compound, running out with Sam in the mornings, what it felt like walking in a fimilier streets like you belong.

but he missed one thing the most.

Being Tony's friend, just the dumb Steve who doesn't understand anything about technology but fun to talk to away from the fights.

He never attended to end things between them like that, left with a friend and leaving the other behind alone with a shield and a cold nightmare. He wished he could have stopped things from going too far. He knows he didn't make it easier, either. Maybe in another time he could have handled the situation better than this.

The flip phone burned a hole on his left back pocket each time he waited another minute for it to ring— for Tony to call, not sure for what— but just to call.

But the hope of this happening just dies after the six month of radio silence from the other side, it left him feeling angry and hollow, and just silent.

What's worse is, he couldn't feel it in himself to put the phone down, he can't — couldn't.

He sighed, closing his eyes and looking up to the now dark blue sky, the stars already forming around the sky carpet, each night he would come before the sunset to just set there and think out his thoughts, sometimes sam would come to accompany him, or Clint or Wanda when she was here— he knows now that she must be at the state by the morning, and he felt happy for her.

Some rare nights, Bucky would come and just stand beside him in silence, smiling at him and patting one of his shoulders in a comfortable manner that Steve missed so much all those years, it felt like he was still the skinny, weak asthmatic Brooklyn boy that always needed his best friend to fight the bullied with him.

He remember how overjoyed he felt when the decision of bringing Bucky out of the cryo after seven months of completely depression at the sight of his friend going under, it felt like losing him again— he remember how he felt when princess Shuri that they could bring the trigger conditioning once and for all in ten weeks, " _Sergeant Barnes will be a free man, Captain Rogers, with the right therapy he will make a full recovery in no time."_

It made him feel that he made the right decision after all.

But then—

sometimes, Bucky would look at him in the face with so much guilt and hurt with a heavy shoulders and cordial sorrow that reflected in Steve soul deep deep down, scan Steve's face with a confused Frown as if he couldn't recognize him.

" _I wish that I would have died that night, when I fell from that stupid train, none of this would have happened— now I look at my hand and all I can see is my fingers Smeared with thick dirty blood, no matter how many time I washed it— it will never go away. Sometimes I could even smell it till I puke my guts out—"_

Steve will never forget how helpless and useless he felt that night, how Bucky sobbed in silence behind his shoulder and he couldn't do anything for him but hug him tightly after— because Steve doesn't understand what's it like for Bucky all those years.

He stopped hoping for his bestfriend to come back from the man he now had to became— how he wanted to repair him but couldn't know how.

—Sometimes he felt like their memories together won't made this easier on both of them—

he felt the need for someone to fix this even if deep down he know there's no way to undo what already had been done to his bestfriend, those nights that left him feeling so desperate and so lost.

He never felt so lonely. For the second time, after waking up from the ice— he felt lost in need for someone to guide him.

It felt like freezing for the second time, this one is just slower, drowning him inch by inch with a heavy, thick uselessness and loneliness instead of cold dirty water, it reminds him of how true and real he felt at the vision wanda gave him all those years before fighting Ultron, how useless Captain America was after the war— how Steven Rogers behind the blue mask.

He sighed again and closed his eyes, adjust his breathing and calming himself down—

He hoped for the nth time, wishing at the shining stars for all of this to be over

"It's a beautiful sight, is it not?"

The fimilier wakandian accent of king T'chala startled him out of his lost gaze at the horizon, made him stand up from his position on the ground, surprised at the sudden appearance of the New king, he was in his usual wakanidan uniform, two Dora's at his shoulders always accompany him like a shadow to gard.

It never failed to amaze him how strong the women her in wakanda appear.

"Your majesty." He acknowledged him with a slight respectful nod of his head, looking at the hard lines around the man's eyes and how tired he looks, but smiling openly. Steve hoped this was just another visit for him that won't bring his hopes to the ground.

"Mr. Rogers, it's been awhile. How have you been?" The king asked politely as a way to start a civil but professional conversation, he indicated for Steve to walk beside him, and steve did. Following the young man while gathering an answer.

"Im Good, thank you again for your hospitality, your majesty." He answered slowly, not sure what the reason of man's visit, and the stress of the previous days made his nerves on edge.

He kept his face calm as he walked quietly at the man's slow steps.

"Oh no need, Mr. Rogers. It was a pleasure to help such an honorable hero, however i came here to talk about some developments at the UN department." The wakandian said in a serious tone that made Steve straightened his back, breaking Steve's suspicions.

"Some developments?" Steve echoed slowly, working his mind on all the worse possibilities and news that will come out of the king's mouth.

Part of him itched to be out and fight away any other attempts that kept them back in the dark— using his old strategy, his fists. Like when he was young and sick and simply feeling useless, because no one is listening, no one.

The other part is the small exhaust Steven Grand Rogers that lost so much, lost his mother to an brutal illness, watched her breath fading slowly. The Steve that lost his bestfriend so many times, drowning in grief and longing and years of friendship that turned to brotherhood. The Steve that lost the love of his life to the time— his best girl, carried her to the ground with his hands. The Steve that lost his teammate and friend over a political disagreement and lies that he felt guilty keeping. The Steve that list the ability to went back home. He only wanted to just rest in peace with what remains of his family—

"There were some arrangements that came to the light after the depose of former secretary Ross of the state, there was investigations from the Russian and the German government those past months, I with the help of Doctor Stark, pushed your case toward the UN council, it went well." The serious tone that the dark skin man pulled shocked Steve out of his dark thoughts.

 _With the help of Doctor Stark_. Yeah he was sure he heard that right– Tony.

He knows things about Tony, he kept track on him— watching the other man in a small t.v from the other half of the global— how his appearance decreased after what happened. How he looked the same but older with more pepper and salt hair conquering what left of his youth.

Watched him clean up their own mess, as usual– and that said something about Steve he couldn't even dare to approach mentally or he will breakdown.

the frown he drew on between his eyes matched the stiff of his shoulders, he gave a hard nod at the king and looked at him expectancy— swallowing his own discomfort at the words and waited patiently for the rest to come, hoping to God it was something good.

"I'm talking about your pardons Mr. Rogers, yours and your fellow teammates, the UN is ready to have you back on its soil."

Steve stared at him with big round eyes, stopped suddenly, for a moment he forget how to breath— Steve examined the king's face as if he was expecting this to be some sort of a lie or a cruel joke— God, he hoped not— but all he found is a relived expression and a small curves at the end of the dark man's mouth.

And it took a moment for the information to finally sink in.

Tony, helping T'chala, to bring them back.

Tony Stark, the man who Steve lied and beat to the ground in a cold bunker in the middle of nowhere in Siberia.

Why?

Why would he ever wanted them back?

Steve felt overwhelmed and confused as hell.

"Your majesty— I don't know what to say." he can't even form a words to express his feelings, he can't find words to even express the confusion of the king's words.

It felt like a cold, cruel dream.

They are going back. To their Home.

"But it's not yet the issue— part of your pardons Mr. Rogers, is depending on your decisions." The man was totally obvious to Steve's inside thoughts because he continued with the same calm, collected tone, looking at Steve with patience as if he was talking to some small child.

And Steve lets him, because the small hope dancing on his chest with his beats slowly faded at the king's statements—

 _Nothing without a price, stevie_. The voice of one young Bucky Barnes smirked in his mind with that sarcastic tone of his.

Steve wanted to laugh at the irony.

"What can we do?" He found himself asking— not expecting much out of the man's mouth but will appreciate the advice.

He almost choked on his spit at T'chala's next words.

"Signing the Modified Accords, Mr. Rogers."

*^*^*^*^*^*^

"Stop lookin' at me like that! It's what's the dammn doctor said!" Tony said, pointing with his forefinger at the small half wet grey head that was glaring at him from under the small red and gold towel rolled up inside it as a portio-cat like in the ground, he straightened up after adjusting the letter box in the far corner of the area in his 'shop, it's the best place for the small fur to be for him to look after and watch her.

returning back to set on the ground Indian style beside it, surrounding by plastic bags and small boxs. The small fur meowed roughly or better growled at him from her spot as she tried to wiggle out of the Ironman towel, he giggled at her failed attempts before moving back to the rest of the bags, going through the food and treatments and some toys.

 _Im officially out of my dammn mind_ he thought to himself gazing the small fluffy dark blue mouse in his hand before squeezing, it made some stupid awkward 'QUACK' that made his ears bleed at the awfulness of it.

The fast trip to the vet was uneventful to him, starting with the name to hold the dammn thing for the doctor to examine and clear— as he thought the small kitty belonged to someone else before they kicked her out or she simply escaped, remembering what the vet said of neglect its health he brought her back home— bathed it and towelled it, and gave the dammn thing a name—

He felt awkward, looking back at it— shaking its head several times to get rid of the last wet spots on its body— but then he would look at DUM-E and how he was whirling around to bring back the rest of the stuff he ordered, or how U and BUTTERFINGERS tried to poke at it and in return kitty started to bite at them playfully, it made the workshop filled with joyfull peeps and robotic sounds at the thought of the new addition to their little family, and it warmed Tony's chest to see them happy— a priceless moment he wanted to keep forever.

So he accepted his own decision and went back to figure out what's FRIDAY order in the rest of the bags—

"Boss, there's an incoming call from Dr. Cho."

His breath caught on his throat at FRIDAY'S interruption, he looked up to the nearest camera, feeling his heart beat alittle too fast. Then nods with a tiny smile.

"Helen." He said in a tight voice after a A brief moment, waiting for the hesitation silence at the other end to break.

"Tony— how were your past weeks?"

She is nervous.

Not good.

Dammn it.

"Quit the charmer, Doctor. How's my research going?" He answered immediately, the panic of failure still nipping at the back of his mind.

His last hope— God, that sound so much dramatic to his own ears he wanted to laugh nonstop humorlessly.

Helen drag a heavy breath, the shaking of her lips noticeable by the way she blows it.

"unfortunately the first version of extremis 3.0 we used on your Arc Reactor operation isn't meant to fix the damage in your brain, too small and too dangerous for that kind of cells, and if we increase the dose it will be extremely unstable, I tried to find a way to control the inconstant change in temperature, it won't heal you as much as frying your brain." She said exhaling loudly— waiting for his response.

Her words hit his core like a punch in the guts—

And it took him a moment to calm his nerves and breath properly, examining her words carefully in his mind—

And the scared part of his mind nagging at him to accept his fate like everyone else, to finally stop and take the rest that he clearly deserved— a rest that will make his bones breath and his heart resign from his exhausted job.

Just let go— it was so tempting, to lay down beside his mother and Edwin Jarvis. Beside his father— to rest in peace.

He was always ready anyway— from the day one 'Iron man' he was ready.

A futurist his backup plan is always a death wish— That's what they say.

_So why he feels so empty and cold now? Why he feels so disappointed?_

"What about the cradle? The improvements? It worked on— on _him_."he tasted the bitter words on his mouth and pulled a face.

Goddammn it, it wasn't her fault.

"We talked about this— Mr. Maximoff had different condition than yours, Tony." That was her only answer, her voice held a strong tone trying so hard not to snap at his patients. He felt like laughing allover again.

Because the dammn kid deserves better than his own bitter words— the other twin maximoff was technically dead when they put his lifeless fragile body stained with dried blood and plus ten bullet holes in the cradle, the damage was done to his organs and body was beyond repair in anyway possible, by the time Tony found his body, he sent him with another suit to Helen cho and hoped for a impossible to happen, wanda never found his corpse in the rubble to mourn— he didn't try to hope for the miracle would success, afraid with a heavy heart that he might be the cause of an entire family's annihilation.

It didn't work, he was already a cold corpse by the time they tried to save him.

But then the impossible happened.

The last scans of JARVIS in old SHILD files was found by FRIDAY the next morning, project TAHITI ordered by Director pirate and overseen by the very dead Agent Coulson himself before giving his resignation and recommended the project's shut down.

It was interesting how SHILD kept going with the experiments on the alien creatures corpses even after the bad result of the side effects, too extreme to test. But he took his chances— and it wasn't even hard to locate the Guest House. The formula GH.325 that was drained from an unknown alien body fluids corpse -it _was so fucking disgusting Nick, what the living hell is wrong with your brain?_

With the help of the Vision bringing the formula, it took him forty hours for his condition to stabilize after his heart stopped on the table during the intensive surgery, even after that the healing progress was too slow for him to be out of the woods yet. They needed the destroyed cradle—

God, it took him so many weeks just to improve the cradle time after time for the kid to be bull a fully recovered body without complications— but the poor boy was in coma for nine months with no hope of waking up, until he did of course. The little shit —

Now when he think about it— it was nearly two years for him to finally bring the subject to the other Maximoff at hand. And the thought of her getting angry because ' _Tony stark lied to me about my brother.'_ Made his body hair stand in alarm, it was her brother's decision for fuck's sake!

He sighed. Shoulders slumped and head down.

"What about Rhodey?" He whisperd, looking at the far, colorless wall infront of him in defeat, his voice make it clear that a 'No.' Won't be hard to take this time.

There was a pregnant minute of silence before Helen's amused voice echoed through the lab's walls.

"Well, I didn't think about this possibility actually, the damage to his spine cord was fatal without repair, but with the knowledge we had in our hands now I could take a look at it, I will do my research on that matter, but don't gets your hopes up too high."

The relaxation of that idea. The thought of seeing and witnessing a whole walking and kicking ass Rhodey on both of his legs, freally without pain and depression surrounding his frame and shouldering him down—

Just the thought of his best friend, his older brother in all but blood walking made his heart size with hope and longing and so much yearning instead of a heavy weightful guilt eating his guts and twisting his stomach in knots each time he look at Jim and see his sitting there slumped in a wheeling chair and dark Arc shadows under his eyes.

He prayed silently for another miracle to happen.

"I'm starting to wonder if those words were your new Logo, Dr. Cho." His lips trembled as he voiced out his words, a lopsided simle shot at one of the cameras, knowing that Helen isn't seeing his face but he can't help it.

"Talk to you later, Stark." He shake his head at her reaction and looked down where his hands now resting on his lap, clutching the ugly blue and grey mouse tightly till his knuckles turns white.

He glanced where was the new project of his nanopot Arc Reactor hive— a detachable one that would be unbreakable by a vibranium shield this time and lighter to move around. Closer to him by a second in any fight— Automatic fixing nanopots in stand by if he get injured or if something on the Suit gave out on him.

Though, what's the point now?

What's the point if the only thing he needs to fight IS himself and he is so fatigued to start knowing how and why he should even fight anymore?

He shut his eyes in agony. Taking a deep breath in, wishing for a calm hand on his shoulders or a supportive presence at his back, pushing—

He is working on forming a team full of heroes together and gather the others around the world in a fimilier matter— he can help Rhodey walk and fight again on his own, War Machine in a war zone saving lives in and out of the field. He can make sure that people will be protected at all coasts against any forces, giving the heros a law to limit their powers among the regular humans, made sure the so called heroes were safe from the public sharks with the Accords to fight their own rights and safety if they chose to resign. 

He did a lot of things, can do alot of others, so many things —

But He can't do it alone, not when there is no hope for his cure, not when the last door slammed shut on his face—

And maybe he was so out of it, losing his mind to his mental shock because the next words he spoke escaped in full force, choked as if he was in physical pain:

"Call pepper for me, baby girl. I think it's about time to talk."

It took a small moments for his mind to worp around what he just said. and by the time he tried to receive his decision, it was too late,

"Tony?"

Oh good God, Her voice alone made him close his eyes in yearning, relief and despair. The uncertainty in her tone made his chest narrow slightly. A dull ache took it place over the Arc Reactor's place. 

He swallowed heavily.

"I missed you." Was the first words that came to his mind, running out between his lips, breathy as a sweet prayer, he missed her so much it hurts'

It was greedy and selfish. How he said those easy words and meant them letter by letter but never really reacted on them correctly, he kept screwing up time after time, in and out of her reach each time he found himself in a hole with no way out— it probably said something about how fucked up he is.

But for the sake of heavens, he _loves_ her with all his dying heart, and body, and bleeding red and black soul.

There was a brief moment of silence followed his words before his ears picked her breathy huffs and buffs out of her nose, as if she was holding herself from rushing into a fit of words, his mouth twisted slightly at the thought.

"I'm sorry pepper." He said again when the silence continues, it made his battered heart cruel itself in sadness at the loss of her voice. 

he knows how that was hard on her too.

"I missed you too." It came out wet and shaky and he knows that her eyes were a shade of dark pink and glassy while she carried this tiny private sad smile on her lips that was only for him to see.

He waited several seconds, concentrating his thoughts before sighing in resignation.

"I can't do this anymore, pepper. Being here without you. I prefer you angry with me beside me but not this, not when I can't see you. I gave you your space, pep. but I can't do this any longer— not this time, not now. I really needs you." his voice wasn't strong but it was clear for her to pick on. Something for her to know he wasn't lying.

She give him a pause before mumbling in a tiny fond voice. "I don't like it when you are away too."

He let out a sigh relief at her response, his ill heart doing alittle jumps in satisfaction, he pressed his lips together before forming the words carefully in his mind.

He is about to tell her— God, he hopes she wouldn't freak out.

Gathering what was left of his courage to nearly puke the rest of his words out.

"There is— I was planning on telling you this personally, but I can't do this anymore, wait for you to come back. It's so tiring pep, so I'm gonna tell you now so you can decide if you want to come back— there was a reason for my odd behavior—"

"Tony—" a rather choked reply. He ignored it, cutting her in hurry.

"You need to know" he summarize his words in a loud tone, took her silent as a permission to continue before he convince himself out of it.

"First, I need you to see that it's okay, if you don't want to continue being with me, or— or— or couldn't—" he cut himself at the mental image of pepper's rejection or abandonment, his face crumbled at the thought that maybe it is too much for her to take, too much for him to ask.

"Tony, you are scaring me, what's all of this—" the wet words was physically painful to his ears, Her confusion mixed with concern and fear —

"I was diagnosed with a brain tumor two months ago." He said in a rush, swallowing the lumb in his throat before holding his breath. Waiting.

He let her take her time for the information to sink in— it didn't take long for her breathing to quicker and the overwhelmed shock took over.

"Oh my god— Tony, how could— _oh my god_."

"I know." He whisperd. Resting his elbow on one knee, closing his eyes for a moment.

"I'm coming right now—" she announced suddenly, he could her the echo of her heels hitting the ground and the sounds of slamming doors followed behind.

"—pepper, it's not—"

"It's treatable, right?" The screaming hope and trust in her voice, the absolute believe in her tone that yeah, it will be treatable, he was gonna be fine

He couldn't help feeling confused between laughing non-stop or crying out loud.

His silent was an answer enough.

"Tony, I asked if it was treatable, it is, right —Tony?" The panicked tone and the rushed words made his eyes stung with unshed tears.

He felt crushed at the thought, of her there beside his sick bed. That maybe he would look at her and not recognize her for the love of his life but rather someone else, at how she would feel, alone and sad and helpless—

"No." He choked out through his closed throat, It was too slow and too quit that it made his ears ring with the silence that followed.

"I'm so sorry, Pepper."

There was a dead air on the other end and Tony felt her stopping her movements, know the shocked look on her face and words of Denial already forming at the tip of her tongue, refusing the facts, the unbreathing hot chest—

He felt so bad that the next words coming from his mouth was a hopeless apologies, his mask crumbled down as he almost pegged her to say something, and he couldn't stop his tongue— _because it wasn't fucking fair._

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, pep—"

His statement was cut by the soft dry sobs of his fiancé, a shuffle and shattered glass then— the muffled cries and whines that made his heart physically hurt, like someone was twisting a knife several times in it— it felt so much worse than having the shrapnel digging in his chest.

He felt like wailing himself.

"I gotta— I am—."was all he could recognize between her soft gasps before the line cut dead— FRIDAY closed the speakers and let him mourn his own luck, the click of pepper's phone when it touched something solid and hard still ringing in his mind—

He looked down when he felt something brush the back of his hand in a pleasantry manner. Rubbing its head at his closed palm, obviously sensing his upset look and mood.

'Meow' the small fur said, looking at him like it understands what he's going through, amber round eyes with salt pepper body, tiny nose and pink younger licking at his fingertips in searching for a reaction out of him, then ended up snuggling on his lap on the cold ground.

He sniffied a wet snort, blinking repeatedly and feel his own eyelashes wet and heavy with unsheded tears, no doubt in his mind that they looked red and buffy even if he didn't really cry.

He held her in his lap, a frown took it place on his lips and brow as he turns his gaze to the ceiling, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Welcome to Stark's mad house" He murmured with a tight throat and a glassy eyes, feel the tears gathering under his eyelids again, burning to be let out.

"The Vision is asking permission to land, ETA 34 minutes." The alarmed voice of his A.I broke his concentration and made the small kitty in his lap jump in surprise, it hissed at him for a strange reason before jumping out of his reach again.

He felt his chest sunk by the air he exhaled.

No rest for the wicked, it seemed.

*^*^*^*^*^*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!! Quicksilver is ALIVE, BECAUSE I SAID SO. I love him so much— anyway— 
> 
> Any suggestions names for the small ball of fur? I myself thought or 'salt
> 
> – i will try next time to be soon in updating but my life suck and family fights with so much pressure made me so busy in my life and I'm sorry for that— thanks for the support whether it was by giving kudos or a small comment.


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